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After months of being heartbroken, I am finally back on the right track. Profound poetry by yours truly to give words to emotions:

What is true love but stalking?
No, this isn’t the Old Monk talking.
I’ll stalk you, I say.
Till my very last day.
For unimportant details I’d add you on Facebook.
Follow you on Instagram to see how you look.
Read your Quora and know how intellectual are you,
Challenge you on Quiz Up to figure out your IQ.
To gauge your thoughts, I’d read your Tweets.
But I swear, my love, I’d never stalk you on the streets.

This has been my anthem for the past few months. Now, don’t act all surprised, it’s been yours as well. And why not? Why get your heart broken by someone real just because you can see their face and touch their hands and kiss their, oh never mind. I’d much rather romance someone (or something, given the number of bots everywhere) on the internet knowing there is no hurt involved. Unless they’re online and not sexting you back. That’s bound to pinch. And when you see him flirting with another account in public view, blowing :* :* and sending virtual hugs, it burns. But not half as much as when a real, living person does it.

So let’s see why dating an account (from Twitter, or Quora, or Instagram, or <insert any one of the 7.5 billion online platforms available>) is so much better than dating a person form real life.

 

1. Awkward Awkward.

There are never any awkward moments online. Well, unless you’re really talented. Then there are. But generally, no awkward silences. No awkward should-I-hug-her-or-shake-her-hand-or-kiss-her-cheek moments. And no awkward “oh did she catch me staring at her assets for the 67th time in the last two minutes” moments.

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2. All hail the Messiah!

You can say anything (almost anything, cause “Am I fat” is still a prevalent disease on the internet), and get away with all kinds of shit by blaming it on the big Messiah – Autocorrect.

“You talk like shit.”

“What?”

“Oh sorry baby, I meant Shiv. Bloody autocorrect , dammit. I meant you talk like you’re stoned.”

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3. Shower? What’s that?

A date requires you to look clean, smell nice, be dressed smartly. And the first step to all of that is a shower (and a shower of water, not deodorant). Yes, a shower even if you had one just last week! And who has the time for a shower, when those precious ten minutes could be spent on, err, well, spent browsing the internet some more?

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4. Cheap, yet classy.

You can talk about all the fancy restaurants and pubs that you like, without spending a penny on taking her out. Nor do the women have to worry about finding a good excuse to go underground when the waiter brings the bill. With that we’ve taken care of added expenses like car / bike and the rising prices of fuel, and pretty clothes and nice shoes, and the gifts that are expected and never found good enough.

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5. You like it messy? Not.

Admit it guys, buying that 3-pack box of condoms is a walk of pride which you sometimes make even when your hand is the only companion you’ll have, and yet when the occasion calls for it, you’d rather not use one. But the hassle of the formalities the morning after, or the fear of she “being late” and whatever else follows that makes even the manliest of you cry. The genius who first sexted had it all under control. The feel of having a companion minus the mess! Perfect!

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6. Faithful? What’s that? Oh that song!

Why deposit all your money in one bank account? Or ladies, why put all your eggs in one bas..ket, when you can chat with several of them without any finding out about the others? And not like it’s cheating cheating. It’s just keeping your options open. What if @xyz runs out of his data pack when you need a shoulder to cry on? What if @pqr is out shopping when you’re in the mood? B is the answer then, Plan B.

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Before all the good accounts are taken, hurry up and go find one you like. Don’t forget to put a ring on it. I mean ping, not ring.